James Van Der Beek reflected on how his battle with cancer caused him mental struggle.
The 48-year-old actor took to Instagram on his birthday and shared how his life took a 360-degree turn when he was diagnosed with cancer, in a video.
“It has been the hardest year of my life and I wanted to share something that I learned with y’all,” James began, and noted how he used to define himself as an actor, and then a father and ultimately a father.
James continued to explain that looking himself as a “loving, capable, strong, supportive husband, father, provider, steward of the land” became really important to him and defined his life.
However, that all changed when, “this year, I had to look my own mortality in the eye. I came nose to nose with death.”
“All of those definitions that I cared so deeply about were stripped from me. I was away for treatment so I could no longer be a husband who was helpful to my wife. I could no longer be a father who could pick up his kids and put them to bed and be there for them.”
He struggled with the question of “Who am I?”
“So I was faced with the question that if I was just here to be a too-skinny, weak guy, alone, in an apartment with cancer, what am I?” the Dawson’s Creek star asked himself.
After meditating on the question, the answer came through and he realised, “I am worthy of God’s love, simply because I exist. And if I’m worthy of God’s love, shouldn’t I be worthy of my own?”
